These are examples of the type of anecdotes and jokey stories I might tell between songs during a live set.
I was giving a lift to an old-school Pilgrim. He wasn’t wearing his seat belt. So I said “hey buckle up!” And he said “yes. it is.”
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I joined a softball team. The Paranormal team. The manager asked us our jersey size and position. I said I’m a medium.
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I had to rent a car. And you know the company always tries to get you buy extra insurance. But you don’t need to get liability insurance. Do what I did instead — shield your assets.
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I try to make my life be like a movie. When I got a concussion. The doctor told me not to fall asleep. It was great. I got to pretend I was in Nighmare on Elm Street.
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I have very specific noise complaints. I don’t mind when there’s construction across the street. But last week was hell. They were painting next door.
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Why is having an assistant a mark of success, but assisted living regarded as a step backwards?
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I parked my car in a bad neighborhood. My Kia was keyed. I had to pay out of pocket to fix it. My insurance co. doesn’t cover alliteration. (Good I wasn’t T-boned in a T-Bird)
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Some bars are removing the mirrors from the bathroom, to limit the time people spend in there. But it doesn’t make a difference to vampires. They couldn’t see their reflection anyway.
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I asked for the time at a coffee shop. The clerk said it was on the receipt. So I kept the receipt as a cheap watch replacement. But it turns out it’s only correct once per day.
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I see some families on the subway, some parents with young kids. It confuses me that parents forbid kids from seeing R rated movies, but they let them see New York’s subway.
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NYC rent is very high. But, it’s pretty cheap compared to karaoke rooms.
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Climate change is real. The number of Eskimo words for snow is now down to 25.
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You see a lot of nut-jobs in the park. I met a genuine Fringe conspiracy theorist. He said the Holocaust museum never happened. And that the Plymouth Landing was staged.
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He did have one interesting theory about JFK’s assassination. He said he was killed by a crazed teacher of German.
Y’know how JFK mangled the expression “ich ben berliner” so it translated “I’m a Jelly Donut?” Well, that angered a lot of people who care about German grammar. And one of them was mad enough to shoot him.
It wasn’t the CIA. It was the grammar police.
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I met a Scientologist on the subway. She called the L train the L Ron.
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I saw some demonstrators in Union Square. They were raising awareness of the mistreatment of Tibet by China’s government. I feel for them but there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s like if the Pilgrims stood around giving out leaflets to the Indians about their complaints with the King of England.
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I’m careful about what I eat, and where I eat. I was in a diner last week. It was spotless. The bathroom was clean too. And from what I saw of the kitchen it looked like they ran a tight ship. So I was surprised when leaving to see it had a grade of C from the County Health commission. Then I learned that they’re now including the condition of the staff’s mental health in the ratings. Apparently the servers are narcissistic thieves. And the dishwasher has anger issues.
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© 2024 Matthew P. Hanley